Discipline, the Good Child and Praising Good Behaviors in Children
77Yes, it is true. While most children are naturally boisterous and get themselves into trouble, there are those quiet children who seem rarely to get into trouble. Call them little angels or call them wise souls, either way you look at it, they are “the good child” of the family.
WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS TO THE GOOD CHILD
More often than not, the good child tends to be overlooked. They are pacified easily. They are more accepting of situation and circumstance. They do well on their own. In fact, they seem to be much more independent in certain ways than other children are.
When the good child does get into trouble, we tend to offer disappointment, as if they surely must have known better, which in the end offers them a very good reason to stress. Overall, we do not notice what bad things they have done, as they are usually quieter, not to mention the fact that we let things like that drop because they are so good so much of the time.
These beautiful “thank God everyday for you” children are often left to raise themselves in the discipline department, something that in the end is not necessarily a good thing at all.
DISCIPLINE CHOICES
Both Shalini Kagal and Elena have recently written excellent hubs about disciplining one’s child/children. In them, they reflect on the fact that children need discipline and feel more cared for (when discipline is properly applied). Shalini offers wonderful tips about what good discipline should be in her hub A Few Good Spanks... . Elena offers parents and guardians a view into the common sense aspects in her hub Discipline and Boundaries for Children.
These inferences apply to the good child as well.
While each child is different, and therefore ought to be treated in a manner that suites their personality, age, etc., the basics still apply to each and every one of them, provided discipline is used appropriately and adheres to any disabilities they may have. The needs of children with disabilities and our responses to their actions must be taken into consideration; another topic for another time, but one that ought to be kept in mind.
ANOTHER KIND OF DISCIPLINE
So it is with the good child. They too need discipline (true regardless of the fact that what most people consider discipline is needed on a less frequent basis). When disciplining the good child, keep in mind that they are going to scrutinize every aspect of your disciplining with as much fervor as any other child, internal as that scrutiny and fervor may be, and that just like any child, discipline must be fault specific as well as consistent.
For all children, however, discipline in its punishment form, is by far NOT the only form of discipline readily available to any parent. While using a suitable form of punishment as discipline is necessary, juxtaposing praise as discipline, or what I like to call Praise Discipline, is highly effective and leaves positive, lasting results.
I am certainly not speaking of any sort of fake or overly done Praise Discipline. I am speaking of genuine appreciation of the actions taken by your child at any given moment. I am speaking of driving home good behavior by acknowledgement of said behavior, no matter how great or how small. And this praise and appreciation can be for the simple fact of their remembering to do something that they were suppose to, or for something that was a smart choice, as much as for doing what they were told to do, whether in a timely manner or not.
Yes, praise is a tactical form of discipline that ought to be used alongside, though not at the same time as, punishment, and whenever possible, should be used much more often. This is especially important and useful to keep in mind when dealing with the good child. They need Praise Discipline as much as any other child, and thankfully for the parent or caregiver responsible for the good child, there are more excuses to use this technique, especially if you keep your eyes open as opposed to taking the good child’s good actions for granted. Taking a good child’s actions for granted is just as neglectful as inconsistency in punishment, ignoring, or being overbearing in any way to any child.
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MORE THAN ONE FACET TO ANY SITUATION
As parents and caregivers, it is important to be able to look at each action in separate parts. For example, perhaps you told your child to wash their hands. They took a very long time doing it, a fact that frustrates you. Your child ends up washing their hands, finally. Though you may be at the brink of insanity, at that point, they DID wash their hands, and that ought to be praised, perhaps with a, “Thank you for washing your hands. Much appreciated.” Simple as that, and in your own words, mind you. As with everything, forced or false words come through negatively as much as one hopes the positive shines through. The fact that you are focusing on the good behavior, stresses that good behavior, and you are more likely to see it happen more often.
Simple is best. As Shalini Kagal expressed in her hub, A Few Good Spanks..., keeping your words minimal when praising is most important. They should be no more animated, overly expressed, or overly worded, than any other discipline situation. That expression of energy should be kept for thoughtful explanations about life, love, and the like. Adding too many words or mixing them in with another issue or aspect is a lose-lose situation. Nothing will be accomplished. Thus, another reason why being able to dissect situations and actions is an important thing for parents and caregivers to be able to do.
AS THEY SAY...
As they say, “Choose your battles”. I am a firm believer of this. It is not necessary for parents and caregivers to use each situation as a life lesson in one. Defeat is eminent when one chooses this path. Allow each situation to speak for one life lesson at a time and you will be further along in raising a child who will be able to make the right choices in life…, which is the ultimate goal here. And believe me, there will be plenty of situations that offer the chance to make points and to teach lessons for most of life’s possible routes without over doing one in particular… For what, then, would you have left? You will be a broken and discarded mp3 player in one month’s time. Compared to a possible twenty years or more, your chances at being a trustworthy source for anything, well..., I hope you catch my drift.
Happy parenting!
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Good to see you, dohn121. Huh. I hope you do too. You strike me as someone who has kids. So I suppose that's a good thing. This goes along perfectly with their articles and I was inspired by them, so, you know. =]
Frieda, You have hit the nail on the head!! Well done!
Very nice posting your hub is telling the turth about Discipline.Everybody should have well Disciplined and have good manner to get success in life.I wanna be your friend so please join my fan club and give me more useful hubs.
There is a lot of sense in what you say, praising the good behavior reinforces that behavior and means it is more likely to be repeated and become the norm. Ignoring bad behavior can also work, I have heard it said that often when a child misbehaves what they are actually doing is trying to get your attention and if bad behavior is the only way to achieve that then that is what they do.
If you buy into that theory and can condition yourself to give your child attention for good behavior then there would be no need for bad behavior from the child's perspective.
Lets face it, life is never that simple, there are good days, bad days, frustrations and anxieties to deal with,we are all human and will make mistakes.
So if overall you can teach your child that there are boundaries within which we live that cannot be broken and you can do that in a loving and consistent manner you will not have gone too far astray. But don't expect to be perfect or your child to be perfect, that's just not the way it is.
Frieda,
Such a beautifully written and well expressed hub! A wonderful guide for those privileged parents with kids.
Frieda, So well put. I like your take on this important issue, and the pictures were absolutely delightful.
Thanks for this hub. It is good to discipline a child and show him/her the way to behave.
Hi, Frieda! Great, great take! I was clued in to this article by Am I Dead Yet, who mentioned coming from this one into Shalini's and mine :-) We've done done quite the series the three of us! Positive Discipline is such a great concept. Wouldn't you know that it's used often in management seminars in reference to the type of employee that would be equiparable to a "good child". This is so fascinating, muchas gracias for this twist to the topic!
Candie, it's always good to use your tools! =]
Naveenkadian, thank you.
Hi Brian. You are so very right. Never expect perfection from you or your child because it's not going to happen. lol No matter what way you look at it. you're so right there. A setup for disappointment. Yes, some do take it to that end, I can safely say that ignoring certain bad behaviors and only rewarding the appropriate ones changed my life. It truly works when done the right way. Love you're comment, thank you so much for the read.
AIDY, thank you. I'm glad you popped into Elena and Shalini's hubs. They are awesome and were both the inspiration for this.
alekhouse, thanks. Aren't they beautiful! It was the best way I could think of to represent this hub. And I certainly couldn't pick which one was my favorite, so there again I go. So glad you love them too. =]
Philipo, wonderful to see you here today. Thank you. You are right about that.
Nice work her. This reminds me an old saying that pertains to the secret of motivating kids is to "catch them doing something right."
Regardless of how you decide to discipline, the key is consistency and honesty. It should be looked upon by your children as another valuable lesson. Not some savage cruelty they've suffered.
Your compassion for children, and life in its utmost sense, speaks volumes for how to educate our children. It is all about attention to the needs of the child while we put our adult needs aside.
"A proud child's smile goes a long way." Sometimes, parents don't see that smile, because they are focused on their own needs, to the neglect of their children. When children smile, this is genuine, unlike what sometimes happens in the adult world.
More thumbs up than I have hands.
Hi Eleni of the ocean blue!!!! The three of ours work fantastic together, don't they? This made for a great series, thank you and Shalini both so much for the inspiration! Do we rock? Yes we do!
Hey there Glen. Thanks for checking out my hub. Hope Vermont is "green" as ever and sunny. You hit it right on the nose... "catch them doing something right." Beautiful.
James, beautifully said. I'm going to quote you because that is so important. "Regardless of how you decide to discipline, the key is consistency and honesty. It should be looked upon by your children as another valuable lesson. Not some savage cruelty they've suffered." And I know this comes from your heart because I've read your hubs.
Sally, so good to see you and thank you so much for the awesome comment. =] It's all too true that the adult world gets in the way of appreciating a child's world. I'm so glad you bring this up in the comments. So often we as parents or caregivers are so happy for the peace and quiet and good behavior moments, that we tend to sneak off and miss that whole exciting part, only to let our world come to a screetching hault when they do wrong, or to pop in while they're asleep remembering how beautiful they are as we stand there... alone, the whole day having gone by when we could have shared the happiness. Something to think about for sure.
Kimberly, thanks a bunch (sorry, had to)=D. Will check it out, thanks.
Hi Frieda, I liked this hub very much. I read Shalini and Elena's first, before I came across yours, and I have to say that your description of praise-discipline is my own preferred method of doing things. Physical punishment makes me shudder, and only a very extreme act of naughtiness would ever lead me to respond in such a way, but that doesn't mean that I don't correct my children, it just means that I do it by talking to them, and by rewarding good behaviour. And yes, an ounce of praise, goes a lot further than a pound of punishment.
Frieda - that's a wonderful, positive hub! I read through it and then went back and linked it in mine. I agree with you that more often that not, the bad moments are in focus while the good ones are sometimes overlooked. A great reminder on how necessary it is for a child's self-confidence to praise when necessary. Great hub - thanks!
Finally linked you, Frieda. Shalini's on top as inspiration and you as recommended follow-up :-)
Hi Amanda, so glad you got to read all three. We each have something to come away with, and at least two things the three of us agree on is that discipline, whatever sort we chose, should be thoughtful and appropriate, and should certainly not come from passion, if you will. I've raised my voice (a mild way of saying I've gotten so mad that I've shouted in anger)but in the end I've just given myself a soar throat (literally) lol. As for spanking, I couldn't do it even if it was an emergency. My hand and brain refuse to connect despite the fact that I really really wanted it to a couple of times (as Brian said in his comment above, no one is perfect.)
I don't think either Elleni or Shalini condone spanking. In fact Elleni only refers to it once and even then she considers it an extreme, as you and I do. Shalini stresses that IF you are going to, it should be mild and on the "behind", and certainly not used as a first choice. I think some of us, like me for example, tend to see spank and any condoning of the action tends to explode onto the whole speech or article that we are listening to or reading. Understandably so.
I'm so glad you agree with and utilize what I've written in this hub because it is an extremely important form of discipline and teaches boundaries, I've found, quite effectively. Praise-discipline is so much easier to do in the long run not to mention the fact that it brings a larger and a more respected bond between parent/caregiver and child. And my goodness, yes, "an ounce of praise goes further than a pound of punishment". Well said, Amanda!
Shalini, thank you. I'm glad you liked my expantion of the topic. To you and Elena: I'm so excited, we make a great team and had no clue, lol. I'm glad we're all linked now. =D
A very very very important hub. We must not forget to Praise The Good Behaviors!
"When the good child does get into trouble, we tend to offer disappointment, as if they surely must have known better, which in the end offers them a very good reason to stress."
Frieda, you must have been a good child like me to even know this... :)
Marco, us good children need to stick together. lol.
Now, I do hope you retweeted? =]
I retweet on a daily basis. Does that still make me a good child?
Kids, don't retweet before marriage! 1) Get your qualifications, 2) Get a good job, 3) Get married, 4) Retweet (in that order)
Marco, that makes you a very good child.
roflmao. But what if you found the person you ended up marrying because you repeatedly retweeted them? I think it's quite alreight for 3 and 4 to be mixed. Though I agree, one and two should stay right where they are!
ps. One of these days I'll learn to spell!
My first son was a saint.
I learned about the christian concept of original sin as a young teen but this child made me disbelieve it.
I do advocate spanking but out of five boys over the past 27 years, I only felt the need to spank four times. Most of the time all I needed to say was, You're in trouble! That was it, any defiance or fighting was corrected for the most part.
My favorite thing to do was notice when they were helpful, remembered something they needed to, were good to each other and praise and reward them. My grandchildren live with me and my oldest son now and that works well with them too. Praise makes them smile and immediately repeat whatever behavior was appreciated. Misbehavior is usually caused by tiredness or lack of ability to handle something so all that requires is loving parental help! (Total side issue, aren't giggling littles the most adorable thing ever?!)
I know what you mean, TMinut. My first son and my fourth child (daughter) were and are the same way. I love those smiles so much, and the hugs just because that come about because of it. And yes, the giggling littles ARE the most adorable thing ever. Especially when they're filled with confidence. Thanks so much for sharig your story. =]
Wise words. We all respond best to positive reinforcement than we do to something negative or what we traditionally call punishment. I know some parents recoil at the thought of "discipline" but they need to understand that it doesn't have to mean punishment per se in many instances. Teaching children appropriate behavior is our responsibility to them.
Oh my goodness, mulberry1, wonderful to see you. I just left a message on your newest hub not too long ago, lol. How uncanny. So very true. There are many choices and forms of discipline for each lesson we are trying to teach. And you're right, teaching them appropriate behavior is our responsibility to them. Part of that teaching comes in how we teach them, too. Thanks so much for writing in. =]
This is good advice, but I must admit as a child I really did not always enjoy the scolding good kid approach. Even my teachers used it on me, and after awhile it was trying. However, I was very quiet, and by the time I got to high school they used to say some of the most interesting things around me to other teachers. I guess they thought because I was so quiet and good I would never repeat anything :).
Well, lucky me, badco. So since when do you play soccer? A far cry from pirating the seas, I'd say. But nice none the less. Yes, and thank you much. Nice to see you round these parts.
Hi SweetiePie. No, the negative scolding the good kid approach never went over well with me either. I totally relate to your story. It always made me think adults really didn't know as much as they think they did. Thanks for sharing that.
Lovely, Frieda. As a mother of 4, I can attest to what you say. Every child is different and has different needs in the discipline department. But, there is nothing like the old positive reinforcement, it makes life so much easier. Life doesn't have to be a battle. It's easy to get good behavior when there is mutual respect.
Badco, well I like it. It's a nice change. Change is good. These parts are good. Glad you kinda like them. =]
Hi Dolores. Yes, you have four too don't you. They most certainly are all different, aren't they? And dear me yes that positive reinforcement, praise dicipline, whatever you want to call it, makes life a heck of a lot easier. And what's more, you're more likely to get that piece and quiet, and that hug. =]
When my kids need discipline, I just get out the eraser. I would never use it on them, of course, but when they see it they sure get in line fast!
I can see why, Jess. I'm truly glad you don't have to go through with it, though. Like the animators tried to do with donald duck, was it? Remember that one? Whoever it was had to keep drawing themselves back in? Funny stuff.
There ought to be millions of articles like this one published everywhere.
The power of POSITIVE discipline can not be overstated. Recently I read somewhere that studies in the field of child development revealed that the children of parents who frequently offered positive commendation became much better academic achievers compared to the children of parents who gave their children far less commendation. They were also better adjusted socially and more confident. The ratio was something like 10 to 1 for positive verbal affirmations in favor of the parents of the better adjusted children. I was amazed at the number comparison.
Psychologically, children are quite vulnerable; what a difference it makes when they consistently experience loving, positive support from caring parents!
This is an excellent hub.
Hellow LEWJ, wonderful to see you here. Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful comment. Those numbers are definitely astounding, I can imagine this is very true. Children are incredibly vulnerable. They know and understand and can "feel" much more than many give them credit for.
lot of useful info about Disciplining
Thank you Lgali. You certainly have caught up on some major reading today. Thanks so much for taking you time to read this and comment.
Great Hub, Frieda, thanks. I totally agree about the positive aspect of discipline - as one of your commentators quoted Ken Blanchard's saying: "Catch them doing something right." Great stuff.
One comment I would make though is that it might be better not to label a child "good" or "bad" or "naughty" but rather to focus on the behaviour that is desirable or undesirable. People tend to live up (or down) to the expectations we have of them by labelling them. So it's usually better to avoid labelling the child. Just a thought to share with you.
Thanks again for a great Hub.
Love and peace
Tony
Actually tony, I couldn't agree with you more, and I'm so so so glad you mention this. You're quite correct on that, there should be no labeling of this sort of a child, especially not directly. Even ones mindfull and internal labeling is an issue that I am not comfortable with. The way we as parents, teachers, and caregivers label each child has quite an impact on how we relate and react to them. Unfortunately many people haven't thought about that and search engines are one of those people, lol. How many times do we look up levels of goodness and badness in our searches to find precisely what we are looking for, from products to opinions? For this reason I did label. I think you've just sparked the makings of a relatable hub! Thanks so very much for bringing this issue up.
Wow! My hubby and I were just talking about that in regards to our daughter, "no ice cream if you don't eat your dinner", Often as parents, we back down after we've set in ordinance in order. Great hub!
So true, nekiwa07. We do tend to back down for one reason or another. It's not easy following through with your rules, but it is so worth it. If you don't pay close attention to your child's good moments when they are younger, imagine when they get older the mess you'll be in, lol. Thanks for the read and the comment.
Hi Freida,
Great hub...reinforces what I do my best to practice. I have been blessed with a very good, albeit spirited, child...and I like to reinforce her good behavior, and make the "consequences" to less desireable behavior based on her actions. I am a member on FB of "Attachment Parenting" and have read "How to Talk so Children Will Listen..."
p.s. I followed the link below about hugs...and agree. My daughter and I love to hug each other...and those hugs are such a blessing!
I have to say I really agree with attachment parenting. I'll have to check out that fb page. thanks for letting me know about it. Sooooo glad you followed that link. It inspired this whole hub. And yeah, those hugs are a major blessing. I love them.
Hi Frieda, unfortunately seventy percent of talk back radio callers believe in smacking children to enforce discipline. I used to be smacked pretty much every day as a child and whilst it did me no real harm, it also taught me very little either. Your method, which my wife and i also adhered to, works beautifully. Respect can't be battered into anyone.
That's so sad attemptedhumour, it really is. So often parents fall back on what they knew as children because it's so easy. No, it doesn't teach very much, does it. thank you so much for your comment.
dohn121 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
I liked how you gave props to both Shalini and Elena, Frieda. I read both of them before reading your hub! I really like kids and hope that I'll have some someday. I was a camp counselor for a total of three summers while in high school and college and enjoyed every moment of it. Looking back, it was perhaps my favorite job, which says a lot since I've had so many! Thank you sharing this with me.